Relocating with Children: When Divorce Enters the Equation

By Liz Perelstein, President of School Choice International

Excerpt from ExpatExchange.com

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Over the past few years I have been asked to provide expert testimony concerning education and relocation. These cases have been associated with two scenarios:

• a potential move in a family where parents had divorced or were divorcing, or,
• where parents have separated while on assignment and the custodial parent wants to move home while the working parent remains abroad.

As society has become more peripatetic, this issue is bound to arise increasingly. The five-year legal battle of David Goldman to gain custody of his son Sean was highly publicized because it was identified as an important precedent in custody battles during the current era of mobility. As the relocation of separated families has become more common, states within the United States have enacted legislation that addresses the issues inevitably raised. These laws vary considerably by state. Parental consent may be required so that when the non-custodial parent does not consent, the issue may be decided by the legal system. Intrastate moves are allowed more frequently than interstate moves which suggests that proximity and ongoing contact is considered crucial.

I have not found articles that deal specifically with legal considerations in international relocation for divided families; however, there have been a few studies (despite small sample sizes) that support the belief that ability to successfully maintain relationships with both parents is significant to a child’s well being (Journal of Family Psychology, 2003). Accordingly, legal requirements for international relocations most likely would be more stringent than those for domestic transfers because of the obvious fact that distance affects the ability to maintain relationships with both parents.

Families need to think about:

• the child’s age;
• how important the move is to the parent;
• whether there are pros as well as cons for the child;
• can parents keep conflict away from the child and his/her education;
• how the child can maintain a relationship with both parents;
• and what is the child’s personality like, in particular, does the child adapt easily to change?

Companies that relocate divorced parents have to consider:

• the child’s age
• legal implications,
• timing in view of these legal issues,
• cost and emotional impact on the employee as well as child.

Abrupt Repatriations: Tips to Pass on to Parents

See Liz Perelstein’s

Latest Article

on X-expats.com

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Here’s a preview of the article –

Although the merits of sending families home before scheduled repatriation dates are a topic of continuous debate, we know that some companies are resorting to this course of action.  Where children are involved, the situation is understandably more sensitive, and companies are struggling to come up with cost-effective, yet fair and reasonable solutions.

If you find you have to make or implement difficult decisions when it comes to children and their education, preparing yourselves, and helping parents prepare, is the most effective way to handle the delicate task at hand.  Three things that parents should keep in mind are:

– The resilience of children

– Opportunities that come from change

– Thoughtful communication

Click here for the full article.

“America’s Best” ~ Another Perspective

By Liz Perelstein

President,  School Choice International

The article entitled “America’s Best Prep Schools” that appeared in Forbes (April 30)  hurts kids.  The article relies on the flawed assumption that the best school for one child will suit another.  Anyone who understands children or child development is aware that not every child thrives in the same academic environment. Despite this obvious reality, impressionable but well intentioned parent readers of this article will feel, more than ever, that their child is being shortchanged by receiving inferior education.  Parents today already use every tool in their arsenal to “get their children in” to the schools that someone has identified as the “top” or the “best.”  The sad result has been revealed to me in countless conversations with private school admissions officers and psychologists: “getting in” isn’t enough. These are the children who fail, get counseled out or inevitably suffer low self-esteem when even daily tutoring can’t help them succeed in an incompatible environment. Is it responsible to foster the prep school frenzy – at the expense of children – by simplistically elevating a handful of prep-schools while effectively diminishing all others?

Moreover, using university admissions as the major criterion for rating schools is imperfect, at best.  While there is little doubt that small classes, individualized attention and access to faculty provide students with unparalleled opportunities, are these the key to Ivy League pipeline that these schools enjoy?  Might the large endowments boasted by this “top 20” (ironically another, and self-reinforcing, criterion for rating the schools) suggest that these prep school parents may be disproportionately represented among alumni and major contributors to these universities, a known factor in college admissions?

Parents need to learn to ask the right questions to assess whether these schools are right for their children.

Unfortunately, parents and students take these lists very literally; they reinforce the natural insecurity in human nature and encourage those seeking prep schools to focus exclusively on the name brand. Do children need – or even benefit from – country club like campuses?  Should parents be looking at access to facilities rather than facilities per se?  Who gets to play on the 15 tennis courts or the eight lane competition swimming pool or the golf course?  Will their child have that opportunity?  Do these schools use their lavish facilities to teach sportsmanship or to win?  Is the risk-taking behavior and self-confidence encouraged by favorable teacher/student ratios undercut by the exclusivity and competitive spirit that mark some of these schools?  Parents need to learn to ask the right questions to assess whether these schools are right for their children. Forbes has successfully promoted its magazine through this article.  Can it use its prominence to promote kids?

A New Role for Boarding Schools

In the last decade, the role of boarding schools in America has been in transition.  Schools that began as  finishing schools for children of wealthy American families have become a vehicle for opportunity as enrollment of Asian students, in particular, has grown.  Now considered a conduit for overseas students interested in American universities, boarding school attendance in the USA during secondary school years ensures that students become proficient in English and possess the academic requirements to attend American colleges and universities.   Currently the percentage of international students in American boarding schools exceeds 15%, with numbers from South Korea, China and India significantly on the rise. 

For further information on attending boarding school in the United States from abroad, contact info@schoolchoiceintl.com.

Repatriation and Identity: Craig Storti

For the next few weeks, we’ll explore three different theories related to Third Culture Kids (TCKs) and repatriation. Note that these are theories, not facts. As we will see, the theories all have their own merits, but they don’t always agree.

Part I

Craig Storti[1] uses a model of adjustment to explain how Third Culture Kids (TCKs) reacculturate. Storti argue s that all TCKs have expectations of a culture, especially what they consider their “home culture.” However when a “cultural incident” disproves their beliefs, TCKs react in anger, fear or embarrassment, which causes withdrawal and/or analysis of the situation. Slowly, TCKs develop “culturally appropriate expectations” and approach situations with new insight.

Let’s apply this theory to a (fictional) story.

Lisa, an American Third Culture Kid, grows up in Egypt, Morocco and France. Her mother works for the American State Department. Like her mother, Lisa feels she represents the United States, and her mother often says, “You’re an ambassador as well!”

Lisa brings peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to school and wears Old Navy jeans on the weekends; she plays softball on the school team and friends joke about her American accent. Lisa represents the United States of America abroad.

Storti argues that all TCKs have expectations of a culture, especially what they consider their “home culture.”

Lisa can’t wait to return to the United States. Finally she won’t be the foreigner anymore! Her love of peanut butter, Old Navy and softball will be the norm, rather than the exception. No one will even notice her accent. Finally, Lisa will feel like she belongs—just as everyone fits in at home.

However when a “cultural incident” disproves their beliefs, TCKs react in anger, fear or embarrassment, which causes withdrawal and/or analysis of the situation.

On the first day of school, Lisa meets her classmates. One girl says, “oh, you have such a cute accent!” Lisa lets it slide. Lisa has to fill out health forms, so she tells the nurse she is 170 centimeters tall and the nurse gives her a look. Lisa turns red, but lets it slide. After a short conversation, a boy says, “you’re kind of like a foreigner!” Lisa fights back tears and wants to go back to France.

Slowly, TCKs develop “culturally appropriate expectations” and approach situations with new insight.

Lisa learns to gauge when her friends are interested in stories from her time abroad, and when she meets someone who doesn’t seem interested, she can usually engage them in a lively conversation about baseball. As she learns what to expect from her friends and teachers, she begins to feel connected to her school community.

Next week, we’ll look at Paul Pederson’s five stages of culture shock.

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[1] Storti, C. (1990). The art of crossing cultures. Yarmouth, ME: Intercultural Press.

Searching for Schools in a New Country: Meeting Children’s Special Needs

Lucy Mellors and Liz Perelstein published

“Searching for Schools in a New Country: Meeting Children’s Special Needs”

in MOBILITY Magazine, September 2009.

Family concerns remain the most overwhelming reason for assignment refusal or failure, and this challenge is heightened when addressing a child with special needs. A well thought-out process and high standards can be the difference between success and disaster when moving special-needs children. Lucy and Liz outline 13 comprehensive steps, as well as an explanation of how to accomplish each step. The process includes:

• Start with the child, not the school;
• Conduct an in-depth analysis of the values of the family;
• And be aware of the curriculum differences relevant to the move.

This article is the perfect guide for any parent facing the challenges of an assignment of repatriation.

The entire article can be found here.

Education Outside The Classroom

Remember that what your children learn outside the classroom is just as important as what they learn inside. Relocation is an excellent time to remember this fact.

When choosing a school, make sure to pay attention to the programs offered in art, music, dance, theater, athletics, and after-school activities. Do any of them seem to exist simply to meet national or other requirements, or have the programs been developed thoughtfully? These programs may go a long way as far as helping your children through the process of settling in their new school, and they will grow in the process.

Do the schools you are looking at offer field-trips for the students? What kinds and how often?

Many schools might be limited in their offerings outside of the classroom. Still, recognizing the importance of this sort of education, there are some easy things you can do with your child that will go a long way:

-Learn folk songs of your new country and teach them to your child. Sing them around the house. Challenge your child to think about them: in what ways are they different from or similar to folk songs from home? Are they in a different language? Do they have a different mood? Can you sing a melody and have your child guess if it sounds like a folk song from home or from your new country?

-Once settled in your new home, don’t rely only on old familiar recipes. Explore, with your child, the cuisine of your new country. What familiar tastes do they use? What tastes are new and surprising? Does the kitchen smell different from how it smelled at home?

-When possible, museum trips, walking tours, etc., are great ways of teaching your children about their new surroundings. These don’t have to be boring for your children. Focus on the things that interest them (the natural history museum isn’t inspirational for everybody!). If your young child is fascinated by fire trucks or playing war, take them to visit the local firehouse or a museum about an important war in your new country’s history. If your child loves animals, take them to the zoo or aquarium can teach them about local species that might not have populated your old home country.

Parents know that activities like these are great for any child, but it’s easy to forget about them during a difficult transition and move. If you can find time to explore them, though, they can go a long way in both easing the transition for your child and teaching them in the process.

Recalling Expats?

In recent months, companies have begun recalling expats from multiyear assignments up to 12 months early… The CEO of a Pacific Northwest manufacturer (who requested his publicly traded company’s name not be used) is pulling his European division manager home after only eight months of a two-year assignment because the business can’t continue to foot the $500,000 annual bill for his salary and living expenses.      –Workforce.com, March 5, 2009

Education is a top priority for middle class families in every culture worldwide, and always has been.  This was true of Eastern European immigrants to the United States 70 years ago, Chinese families who have pinned all of their hopes and dreams on their sole child, and parents in the Northeastern part of the United States who are still, according to the New York Times magazine on July 19, willing to spend $40,000 on college placement counselors for their children despite the economy.  This results in scarcity of suitable school options in major cities globally.  Even if there are vacancies in less popular schools, those that are generally considered “top tier” are overbooked no matter what the economic situation.

As a result, repatriation, which always is difficult, brings additional challenges when it is sudden and forces families to seek schooling for their children mid-year, particularly under rushed and stressful circumstances.  In addition to the logistical challenges involved in gaining admission to schools, children are excluded from extracurricular activities – the football team already has been chosen, as has the cast of the play – essential aspects of re-entry if they are to successfully make friends and reintegrate into their home cultures. Repatriation to one’s former home is particularly difficult, according to Craig Storti, because expectations and reality clash.  When employees are moved home without sufficient notice, they, and their families, do not have sufficient time to process the emotional aspects of the repatriation so it is all the more important that they receive assistance with the logistics of the school search and transition, as together both aspects are quite overwhelming.

Things that employers can provide are:

• Accurate and easy to use information in the form of books, research, websites and web based tools;
• Transition assistance so that families understand that the former school may no longer be the best school for a child given the wealth of experiences s/he has had overseas as well as the curricular differences;
• Expert help in identifying and getting into schools that meet the unique needs of each child at this point in time;
• Specialized assistance for children with special needs, gifted children, and those seeking schools in particularly competitive locations.

This is something that companies must think about if their goal is to develop policies that will serve them in good times as well as bad.  Benefits of good support when employees with children are recalled are rapid employee productivity, increased loyalty, talent retention, willingness to take future assignments, and improved morale, which includes encouraging other employees to undertake assignments when needed.

Country to Country

One of the biggest issues School Choice addresses during our school searches is that of curriculum comparison.  Often families moving from one country to another fear that their child will either be behind or ahead of his or her peer group in the new country.  We often advise families that when children move it is inevitable that they will be ahead in some subjects and behind in others.  For those of you who are expats, how has this played out in your family?

(If you are contemplating a move, our new Global Education Explorer has a great curriculum comparison tool.)

Opportunity Through Change

We were excited to see this article about Families in Global Transition since Liz is on the board of the organization.  Check it out here–  the keynote speaker at their annual conference sounds amazing.